ermagerd! hi, me! #gpom
First halfway decent picture in a year that I can use for a profile photo.
Minimal makeup: Monistat Soothing Care Chafing Relief Powder-Gel as foundation primer, L’Oreal Paris True Match W4-5 liquid concealer, L’Oreal Paris True Match W6 powder, L’Oreal Paris Lineur Intense Felt Tip eyeliner in Black Mica, L’Oreal Paris Voluminous Million Lashes mascara in Black, Maybelline Great Lash in Clear used as brow gel, L’Oreal Paris Infallible Plumping 6HR Lip Gloss in #306 Plumping Red.
La Mer de Lune
I smile, tilting my head forward a bit, so that she can’t see the heat in my cheeks, as I prod again at the slice of lemon that I’ve been muddling for some time at the bottom of my Sour Godmother. I have to try to remember not to do that, to maintain eye contact, even though looking into her eyes is disconcerting. Her voice washes over me like the gentle waves I’d left 3000 miles behind me, and I feel slightly dissociated and more than a little frightened.
What are we? What am I doing here? Why can’t I even ask her if this is a date, or not? What’s Hecuba to her, or she to Hecuba, right? Why does it matter, right now? It shouldn’t matter, right? Why did I freak out when she asked me if I wanted to meet for coffee, and not immediately respond, “Yes”? I said all those stupid things, instead of “yes”, when what I meant was “yes”, and them when she didn’t get right back to me, I freaked out for days that I’d totally blown it.
And then she asked again. This time, I said “Yes!” Immediately.
I’m so used to falling off cliffs, I suppose, that what frightens me is not the inevitable sudden stop, but the possibility of finding out I’ve been doing it all wrong all along. That love shouldn’t be a thing that happens, but that you do. For which you choose to be available. That this…this deliberation (and what an ironic word that is, de-liberate) is the true secret of happiness.
I keep hearing my ex asking me that horrible question, “Why do you love me?” The question I could only ever answer with, “Because I do.” The answer that was not enough for her. How do you answer that question without your love turning to ashes in your mouth? How do you pin Love to a board like a dead thing you can keep under glass and hang on a wall?
Pisces. I just realised that. Same as my mother. My ex was a Libra, you know? And my daughter is a Gemini. Not that I believe in that sort of thing, I really don’t, but why do I get the feeling that this is no accident, when I am a Sagittarius? I am surrounded by dichotomy, and in a way, I am dichotomous, myself, but don’t tell anyone I told you that, okay?
Of all the girls I’ve dated in my life, save two, half have been Jewish, and half have been Irish. Except my ex, the one I married, and the one I thought was crazy, but who turned out to be probably more sane then I am at this point. Guess who is sitting at a bar talking with a vivacious woman who is both Irish and Jewish, and getting way too far ahead of herself?
Hello, me. Moth, meet Flame.
"when you are adrift on the sea"
when you are adrift on the sea
without sails, oars, or engine
you are at the mercy of passing currents
you can shift your weight
from side to side
in your lifeboat, if you have one
hoping to be pushed a little further along
thankful you are at least floating
you spend your days staring up
at an expanse of sky
blank like the datebook
you keep because
that is what successful people do
save for the one baleful, burning eye
of withering conscience
you spend your nights staring up
at endless possibilities
a trillion pinpricks
relentlessly out of reach
and forever racing away from you
countless needles of shame
plans are for people
who can afford to make plans
when you are adrift on the sea
your world condenses
to this space
that fits within the compass of your arms
to this one measureless moment
sargasso spun in stasis
buddha said ‘thirst’
but tears are made of salt water
—gemma seymour, 29 january 2014
1985, Late Spring, New York City
i am 16 years old, at the tail end of my Junior year of high school. i am deeply involved in theatre at my school, despite its focus on math & science. i am a keyboardist, a student of pianoforte as well as pipe organ, and i purchase the July issue of Keyboard magazine, desperate to read about all the latest developments in the music world. i want so much to follow in the footsteps of Depeche Mode, Yaz, Thomas Dolby, and Howard Jones, of Devo and Kraftwerk, of Herbie Hancock…and of Wendy Carlos.
there is a woman on the cover whom i have never seen or heard before, pictured with a Fairlight CMI. her beauty is otherworldly, and her name is Kate Bush.
the article and interview captivate me. after school, i rush to tower records at 4th & Broadway, and purchase “The Dreaming”, her latest album
("Hounds of Love/The Ninth Wave", the album that would finally garner Kate some attention in the US, with the hit single, "Running Up that Hill" didn’t drop until September, with the single debuting on WLIR 92.7 FM in August, and eventually peaking at #30 on the Billboard Hot 100).
it’s an LP, so I can’t hear it right away. i tuck it into my danish school bag, and make the nearly 2 hour trek commute home to College Point, where i am able to finally climb to my bedroom on the third floor to hear it, in the apartment that once belonged to my great-grandfather Henry Seymour, who came to this city from Manchester, England, with my great-grandmother Lydia (née Haughton), and my grandfather Arnold, but 18 months old at the time in 1922.
i am transfixed.
her music touches me so deeply, it awakens a part of my soul that i was only vaguely aware existed. it is the first flowering of my womanhood.
to this day, Kate’s music transfixes me with its shocking beauty and unerring ability to pierce to the deepest core of my being. i’m not sure that words can ever really do justice to the visceral response she evokes in my heart. i don’t think i could have survived the next few years of my life without kate’s music.
(this image was used for a promotional poster for "The Ninth Wave", which hung on my wall for many years. i think i still have it, a bit worse for the wear.)
"The Dreaming", Kate’s fourth album, is widely recognised as one of the best albums of all time, and a must listen for any serious student of music. if you have not had the opportunity to become familiar with Kate’s work, as i suspect many of my younger friends may not have, i would recommend you begin chronologically with her first single, “Wuthering Heights”, from her first album, "The Kick Inside", from 1978. as a special treat, Kate was to revisit the vocal for "Wuthering Heights" in 1986, for her first compilation album, “The Whole Story”. the contrast between the two versions is remarkable, juxtaposing the crystalline 18-year-old Kate with the mature and rich 26-year-old Kate.
i look at you and see
my life that might have been
your face just ghostly in the smoke
this is where i want to be
this is what i need
this is where i want to be
but i know that this will never be mine
ooh, the thrill and the hurting
will never be mine
of all her music, it is perhaps the two songs from her album, "The Sensual World", from 1989, that turn me quite inside out the most easily, "Never Be Mine", a video of which i posted just prior to this, and "This Woman’s Work", because that song speaks perfectly of the abject terror i felt the night my daughter was born, utterly helpless as i was, not knowing if i would be going home that dark, hot night alone.
as a trans woman, to hear the lyrics from the father’s point of view sung with a woman’s voice is so poignant, like hearing my own voice that will never be coming from a place deep within.
i know you have a little life in you yet
i know you have a lot of strength left
i should be crying but i just can’t let it show
i should be hoping but i can’t stop thinking
of all the things i should’ve said that i never said
all the things we should’ve done that we never did
all the things i should’ve given but i didn’t
oh darling, make it go, make it go away now
there is one other piece of hers that shatters me, and that is "Waking the Witch", from "The Ninth Wave”.
spiritus sanctus in nomine…deus et dei domino…
GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY
of course, i am a witch of sorts, so that probably isn’t surprising, but it is entirely possibly that it was this song that lead me to my path.
sadly, Kate was to make only a single appearance in the US on Saturday Night Live, and has never since played live on this side of the Atlantic. she toured only once, briefly during 1979, and has since appeared live only rarely, preferring to release recordings only. she holds the honor of Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire.
Tonight, I was rebuilding a PC out of parts, and was copying files over from various old hard drives, when I came across this selfie that’s probably from the first half of 2009, so I decided to give you a bit of fan service…
I was not a boy, and you can’t make me into one.
I think it’s really important that people understand that institutionalised violence has an insidious way of getting us to kill off parts of ourselves in order to survive, even though we know that by doing so, we are going to be ostracised for being violent.
When you’re growing up as a trans girl, even before you have the words to express it, you exist in a role where violence is used against you in order to instill violence in you. You are expected to use that violence against others, and paradoxically, to use it in the protection of others, as well, whether those others want you to, or not.
When you are a trans girl, and even you don’t really know how to communicate that to yourself, even though its seeping out of every aspect of who you are, the boys around you will be taught that you deserve violence, and this is not the kind of violence that boys direct at girls, it is the kind of violence that they reserve for those they view as traitors to the cause.
And so, if you wish to survive this kind of vindictive punishment, often the only path open to you is to defend yourself with equal force, to tear out a part of your soul, light in on fucking fire, and shove it down their throats hard enough so that they finally leave you alone, because now they know pain, too, and now they know fear, too.
But none of this ever happens in a vacuum. Others see it, and you are forever marked as Other from those with whom you feel the most affinity, at the very time in your life when understanding the differences between is critical. Girls fear you in a way that you can never, ever repair. And you learn to hide that, because all that you have left is to cling to the knowledge that you’re still alive, that the boys they sent to kill you couldn’t take you down.
I was a strange kid. The smartest kid in town, terrible at sports, great on piano (and spending hours in a basement with only a piano and a dehumidifier and a kitchen timer for company isn’t exactly conducive to your athletic ability, such as it is, nevermind your social skills, let me tell you). I used to play Barbies with the two girls across the street, who were the older sisters of a boy near my age. That boy and my older brother made a practice of ganging up on me, until I would finally explode, usually in tears and frustration. This was the mid 1970’s, and I would become the test subject for what we now call ‘gifted and talented” programs.
At age 6, in 1st Grade, they started sending me to 2nd Grade for certain lessons. I think that was the year I played Little League, the only year I ever participated in sports. At age 7, in 2nd Grade, they started sending me to 3rd Grade and 5th Grade for lessons. Around this time, I started to emulate the girls around me. I spent hours and hours teaching myself to write like the girls I admired, daydreaming about spending more time with them. They started sending me around the school to teach the teachers how to operate the new film projector, and bought me a weather station to predict the weather for the school.
At age 8, in 3rd Grade, they hired me my own teacher, and converted a broom closet into my own little classroom. At age 9, I was taken from the public school I attended with all the other kids in my neighborhood, and sent to a fundamentalist evangelical school, where I found myself in a classroom with one boy and 11 girls, 10 if you don’t count me. Suddenly, I was the butch one, if you can believe it, the first one picked for sports teams.
I stayed there until I was 12, in 1981, when I went back to public school in a new town, now the new kid, but inexplicably shut out of the “gifted and talented” program, because that “Christian” school altered my transcript and gave me lower grades. At least they’d managed to let me skip 5th Grade, the only thing those zealots ever did for me that was positive. Otherwise, they did their best to crush the spirits of every child in the school and turn them into mindless born again drones.
I hadn’t quite hit puberty, yet. I was one of the smallest kids in 8th Grade, and my best friends were all girls. My favorite class was Math, mainly because the desks were arranged in pods of four, and I sat with Karen, Lynn, and Leni (my first real crush). I was visibly brown in a town full of white people, and I lived on the outskirts of town, pretty far away from most of the other kids I knew. The bullying started pretty quickly. I learned to fight back. My older brother wasn’t exactly the gentle type with me, so fighting was something with which I’d already been familiarised.
But the fights in 8th Grade weren’t just kids being kids, anymore. I learned how to be ruthless and dangerous at their hands. By 9th Grade, after one final knock-down-drag-out in the parking lot behind Holy Spirit High School after a school dance, I no longer needed to fight, but the damage was done. Puberty had hit. The girls with whom I’d been so close the year before were now distant from me. Academically, I was still an outsider, since I was denied the honors classes as a result of the fact that I wasn’t in the gifted and talented program the year before, so I was usually the only “smart” kid in my classes.
I started to get involved in theatre, got my first pair of Capezio tap shoes, but that was brought to an abrupt halt when my parents separated in January 1983, and we moved back to New York City, where, once again the new kid, I ended up going to Flushing High School, at that time, one of the worst in the city. I started carrying a makeshift knife to school, because people having guns pulled on them in the halls wasn’t as uncommon as you might think.
I had to get out of there. The last week of school, I found out about Stuyvesant, and I took the SHSAT and was accepted. Once again, I was in a new environment where I knew no one, but I got back into theatre, and discovered makeup and nightclubs. I had my first kiss and my first girlfriend. The next summer, my mother moved back to South Jersey, and I went with her for the summer, while my brother and sister stayed in NYC. My mother worked nights, and slept during the day. Again, I was alone in a town where I knew no one. I started hanging out on the boardwalk, a loner. I started smoking. I filled my days with books about the Vietnam War. I was 15 years old.
In the fall of 1984, I returned to NYC to live with my grandparents to start my junior year at Stuyvesant, while my brother and sister went to Ocean City, NJ, where my mother had chosen to live. Because my commute to school was 1.5 hours from College Point to lower Manhattan, and because I was involved in theatre, I had a lot of excuses to stay out late. My grandparents were fairly lax about it. The drinking age was still only 19, so getting into nightclubs was fairly easy.
My best friends were still all girls, and I started to dress like them, in any way I could without causing suspicion. I started experimenting with makeup outside of the theatre. I started to question who I was. But, as far as everyone else was concerned, I was a boy, and that was that, and all I could see in the mirror was ugliness. Nevertheless, I had a wonderful girlfriend, who was a senior that year (yes! I had a sempai/kohei relationship! :D ). Her girlfriends became my girlfriends, and when they all graduated at the end of that year, I felt a very deep loss. Incidentally, years later, she would become the first person I cared about to whom I came out.
My summer of 1985 was spent in Ocean City, where I still knew no one, but now had to contend with being “Bryant’s little brother”. I swear, no one there even knew my name, or at least, no one ever used it directly. But, having little affinity for the boys of our crowd, and already having a serious relationship, I didn’t involve myself that much with the girls there, either. I was an outsider, something I’d often been in my life.
By my senior year, I’d already decided that I wanted to pursue a career in theatre, and that year, I somehow managed to have three serious relationships with girls. In the fall of 1986, I headed off to Carnegie-Mellon as a Music Theatre major, and had already begun to grow out my hair. It grew like a weed back in those days. By the spring of 1988, it was halfway down my back, and still growing. I didn’t have a meal plan that year; eating sporadically, when I could cadge food from my roommate and friends, and drinking bottomless cups of coffee until my hands shook, I dropped to 130 lbs.
It was a common occurrence for me to be properly gendered in those days, or as you probably would have thought of it at that time, misgendered. As slender as I was, with the long hair, people routinely thought I was a girl, even despite my height of 6’ 1” tall. Whistles and catcalls were a daily bother. I ended up dropping out/getting kicked out, leaving CMU just after spring break of my sophomore year, for reasons.
On December 30, 1989, three weeks after I turned 21, I got spectacularly drunk and told someone else for the first time that I wanted to be a girl. It would be 19 more years before I would finally transition.
All of this only begins to scratch the surface of my childhood. I started writing this because I needed to express something of the facts about what I experienced growing up as a trans girl, and yet, I don’t think I can ever really capture it in words, the trauma that we face, forced into roles which we didn’t choose and wouldn’t have chosen, and not having the resources, the tools, even the knowledge of how to get out of them. As a lesbian, there were things I didn’t have to face that might have been more immediate had I preferred boys. But at the same time, being lesbian meant that there was always the sexual tension to contend with between myself and the girls with whom I felt kinship.
Being ripped from everything that is most like you in the world because the world says you aren’t what you are is not something that cis people can or will ever understand in quite the same way as trans people. And there are huge gaps in my understanding of those years, because of the fact that I moved so often during the most critical years of my development. I have often thought that no having had the experience of growing through those years with the same set of girlfriends caused me to miss out on some things, even if I’m not sure exactly what.
But, it’s not just a matter of being separated from the place you should occupy; it’s also about being shoved into a place from which there is no escape, no alternative, but to embrace your own capacity for violence, or accept bodily harm and possibly death in a very real way. We read a lot in recent years about the emotional violence young girls use as a weapon against each other, but I wonder how much we really understand the emotional violence that boys also employ, and back up with not just the threat of physical violence, but with actual assault, because we keep studying that violence as if it’s employed only against other boys, and not the trans girls hidden among them, as well.
I don’t know how well I’ve expressed this here, but there is a part of me that will always hate myself for what I’ve had to do in order to remain sane and alive. There is a part of me that despises what I became, bit by bit, at various points in my life, and how that made me into something that in the eyes of others was dangerous to the girls around me. It’s too easy to say, “just don’t be like that” with all the perspective of years. In the moment, for a child, we do the best we can.
I will never forget that night, that last fight at Holy Spirit High School in the fall of 1982, with that boy who outweighed me sitting on top of me, his hands full of my hair while he beat the back of my head on the pavement behind the school, with I don’t know how many people looking on with glee. I hit him as hard as I could, but I couldn’t get him off of me. If my brother hadn’t rescued me by kicking him off of me (and that only because the fight was obviously unfair at that point), I don’t know what would have happened. And then, the police showed up, and everyone scattered.
I was 13 years old, just shy of 14. I’d only just hit puberty a few months before. I was a 13 year old girl who didn’t even know how to express that or even really understand it, at the mercy of the world of men. And I certainly didn’t have the possibility of even one parent who could tell me how they handled their own journey in a way that was remotely similar to my own experience.
So, don’t come to me a tell me of the shame of getting your period. I know shame. Maybe not the same kind of shame, but shame nonetheless. The shame of your body letting you know in no uncertain terms that you are at its mercy is something with which I am intimately familiar.
And don’t come to me and presume to tell me what it means for boys and men to harass you in public, to put their hands on your body without your consent, as if I was one of them, because I know what it means to feel that touch, and their punches, and their kicks, too.
Don’t tell me how embarrassed you were to have hips and breasts, unless you’re willing to sit with me and listen to me tell you of the nights I cried into the bathroom mirror silently so my grandparents wouldn’t hear, convinced that I was a hideous creature that no one could ever really find attractive, much less love, and listen to me tell you of what I go through now, with a body that will never quite be enough of one thing or the other for too many people.
Don’t come to me and presume to tell me of my supposed male privilege, unless you want to hear me tell you what boys and men really say about girls and women when they think there are no girls and women around, and how it feels for a young girl to witness that first-hand, and the real fear of knowing that in order to obtain even a basic education, you must first agree to engage in warfare, to be sent to the other side of the world and kill innocent people whether you want to or not.
Don’t come to me, and don’t come to any other trans woman with these things, until and unless you are willing to listen, to really fucking listen without making it about you, to our stories, too, and accept us as sisters.
Tall Girl Problems: “Is this supposed to be a dress, or a shirt?”
I own a number of things that I’m pretty certain were sold as dresses, but which are just barely long enough for me to wear as tops. The perils of being in the 99+th percentile (5’ 10” and up for US white women). I’m actually in the 99.9+th percentile for US women.
Hell, I’m in the 95th percentile for US white men.
oh wow. you know that feeling when somebody says something that brings up a memory for you that should be happy, but then you realise that there’s a part of it that you try not to think about, because you didn’t live up to society’s expectations of the gender they imposed on you, and you feel embarrassed by that, but then you’re all fuck that shit because you were never that gender anyway, so why should i feel bad about this but i do?
yeah. i just had one of those moments.
and friend of a friend just said, “i got engaged there (this restaurant a friend was talking about)!” and I was all, “i got engaged (at this other restaurant)…”
and then i remembered that i got shit for not getting down on one knee. like, in the moment, it didn’t even occur to me to do that. i was so excited, i thought i was being so clever/funny by disguising the ring as one of her birthday presents (even though i knew she’d recognise the box for what it was, being as pretty much no one ever gives a box that size as a present to their girlfriend of 10 years without knowing exactly the significance of a tiffany & co. blue box that size tied with a red ribbon, like srsly at that point in a relationship a box that size is only for one thing).
like, all those little things about being dudely that i was just FAIL, because guess what, *not a dude*.
and…oh fuck i just realised that the 12th anniversary of that night is in two days.
feeling just a little nervous…
my hair’s gotten a bit longer…
just a reminder that the characters of my other name, ‘yin-haan’, can also be read as “hater of secrets’ or ‘hater of shadows’, which is quite fitting.
"i am just too awesome for this world," i said
knowing it would make you laugh
as i unscrewed the little aluminium vial
that hung from my handbag (still does, you know)
where i keep the precisely 15 swan vestas that fit inside
i struck one on the concrete
where we sat, indifferent to the consequences
absorbed by the pleated tartan skirts
your mother had chosen
(she’d have a fit if she knew
i was wearing your spares)
in which to bind you (us)
for your (our) own good
(as if repeating a catechism
could have remade us)
i lit another cigarette
while you tugged your tie loose
and i blew smoke straight up
into the dry, hot, imminent summer
i hadn’t thanked you, yet
for pulling that asshole off of me
for kicking him in the ribs
while he was bashing the back of my head on the sidewalk
after the dance last week
i hadn’t thanked you, at least, not properly
not in the way I really wanted
forming the words directly into your mouth
instead of your ears
i felt the ground, abrasive under the tips of my fingers
as i furtively, desperately trilled them next to your hip
knowing you knew where i’d rather my fingers lay
bound with yours, forcing them closer
sinking them into the one place where i feared
a single touch might kill me
knowing you would share even this with me
if i asked, and if i waited too long to ask
you would take it upon yourself to obviate my hesitation
there were questions, of course, even then
not mine, of course, not yours
for in the shroud of the trust we shared
no secrets could find purchase
no, these were the questions of others
who could not fathom the strangeness
of we two and the game we played
heading into the last summer
in which we could still pretend it was a game
only two months before ignoring the disconnects
would no longer be an option
the ones that lay within me
and the one that would become difficult to bridge
with hundreds of miles scheduled to come between us
that night, you carefully hung our (your) skirts
in their usual place
took my hand, quietly
and suddenly there was nothing left between us
nothing between me and a reality i was refused
except a gulf as wide as the stars
you struggled not to breathe so loudly
that we’d be discovered
i put each of your fingers to my mouth
like snuffing out vestas
each one a deliciously sharp knife
you bowed your head before me
returning the favor the only way possible
as my tears fell upon your hair
you were first, last, and always
and as it turned out
i lived to see my swan, alight from within, take wing
gemma seymour-amper, 29 september 2013
you think that you can discern how things connect for me
you see a shell opaque, and believe it structure
but where it is held from inside deceives the eye
and i, in truth, know as little as you, for my eyes point outward
and cannot return on themselves, are blinded
by amplitudes i cannot erase, deny, or subsume
travelling along wires i am told are supposed to end
somewhere over there—a little shy, incidentally, of where they did
tap tap tap, your fingers rough upon my trace
until the shell bursts along faults in directions all at once
question: what is my elation, to you?
question: what is your relation, to me?
whose answers do you really seek? yours, or mine?
if you find the figures you preconceived, will this satisfy? whom?
can you understand how digits sink into me unbidden?
in places where no entrance is granted
a tunnel to my very core—did i place it there by wish, or by curse?
I know this drill, the one that you have rehearsed into the wee hours
over, and over, and over again until you came
gasping into the starlight
breathing my name
nayyir alphekka nayyir alphekka…
place your hand here
(underneath the curve of my breast)
this is real, not that other
this is real fear, not the imagined one you mistook
this close, touching, you cannot escape
here is terror made flesh
here, i am no longer a myth
do you know why i allowed you in?
only because the choice must be thine
only with my heart in thy grasp
only then canst thou choose life
only there canst thou be made known, even unto thyself
only thereby might i be made free
here, on this altar
i shall know the cost of my sacrifice
here, you will relent, or i am undone
gemma seymour-amper, 28 september 2013
You know, it wasn't just my career. It was the biggest opportunity of my life. I wanted my life to make a difference. I wanted my life to mean something.
And I wasn't ambitious enough for you.
David, you could have done anything that you wanted. Research, development...
Oh, honey, I was happy where I was.
Haven't you ever wanted to be a part of something special?
I *was* part of something special.
Well, if it makes any difference, I never stopped loving you.
But that wasn't enough, was it?